Today’s date is special to me. Seven years ago, I sat upright in a hospital bed covered with crisp white sheets, and delivered my baby girl. What should have been the moment I had awaited with the greatest of expectation for months prior, turned into the darkest day of my life. My body had forsaken the both of us. My cervix was incompetent. Her lungs were underdeveloped. I would live. She would not.
For years that followed, I wondered why us. I asked God how he could allow something like this to happen? How he could snatch my baby girl away from me? I even questioned his existence. It was inconceivable to me how a God who is love could sanction the aguish of a mother and child being torn apart.
But it was God’s will. He knew exactly what was best for both of us. I had not finished learning the lessons that I so desperately needed to learn, nor had I grown into the woman that my daughter would need me to be. So despite my immense desire to be a mother, God decided that it was not time. We both needed his protection–she even more than me. So, he did what a loving father does. He scooped the both of us up in his arms and charted our courses.
For her, there would be no pain. For me, there would be pain that blossomed into perseverance. She would know eternal peace; while surviving hell would teach me the value of having inner peace. She would never know her mother. I would draw nearer to our Father.
And as I continued to ready myself for motherhood, more losses followed. And then nothing. For what seemed like an eternity, absolutely nothing happened.
But it was when I had given up hope on science and God, and thought that He either could not or would not hear me, that He blessed me. And even with this miracle pregnancy, at the same time–that critical 20th week when my cervix begins to disintegrate and threaten to take what is mine–He tested me.
For 18 weeks that followed, he took me off of my feet. Kept me out of work. Confined me to my bed. Kept me in the deepest of prayer. Showed me exactly who was made of what. Asked was I truly ready to become a mother. Demanded that I decide the kind of life I wanted for my child. Kept my baby safe in my womb through Super Storm Sandy. And delivered me from all that held me captive once and for all.
He saw that I had done my work. Leaning on nothing but Him, I had done my work. I was finally ready and deserving of the blessing I was to receive.
You were born on 9/4/09. Years later, your brother, my beloved son, would be born at exactly 9:40 p.m.
I know that the timing of his birth was greater than any irony, or coincidence, or cosmic connection.
It was nothing short of my time shrouded lovingly and wonderfully in God’s time.
Rest in eternal peace my sweet girl.