So you’re six years old today. 

Wow. 

When I thought of you on the eve of your birthday, I was certain that I had to be miscalculating your age.  There’s no way that it was six years ago that we were last together.  I resorted to slowly counting a finger for each year that has passed as I laid in the dark next to your little brother while he slept. 

It has been six years. 

I guess in my mind, you will forever be that teenie tiny baby girl who weighed just under a pound and could fit in the palm of my hand.  My little angel.  My Lindsey.

It has commonly been said that time heals all wounds.  I’m not sure that is true.  I believe that time quietly, gently lulls us into a place of acceptance.  Losing you will always be the wound that forever bleeds in my heart.  No one can see it.  No one can tell that I still feel the pain.  I look healed and strong so to them, I must be.  You and I know otherwise though.

But let’s keep the focus on today.  Your day.  I smile when I think how you would be starting the first grade in a few days.  Who would have been more excited you or I?  What kind of backpack would you have selected?  Something with a Disney character or would our mission be to make sure that all of the colors in it matched your first day outfit and your mani-pedi?  Would your preference have been to wear a skirt and top, or a dress, or jeans and a funky t-shirt?  Even though you may have wanted your hair washed, set, and blow dried at the salon, my preference would have been for you to have cornrows with some kind of intricate design.  It would have perfectly complemented your skin, which was the most beautiful that I have ever seen.  It was chocolate brown with a warm reddish hue.  I remember thinking after you were born how much your skin reminded me of rich mahogany wood.  It was gorgeous.  I’ve seen nothing like it since.

After a day like today, when your brother zipped around in a manic-like state, I wonder would you have been the calm and he the storm in our little family.  Or would you have been partners in the mayhem?  Either way, I would have adored you the same way I adore him.  My daughter and son.  God’s greatest gifts to me.

As much as I would give anything to have you here, I take comfort in knowing that you never had the chance to experience or witness the ugliness of the world.  Your eyes have never seen violence.  Your brain has never had to process racism.  Your spirit has never had to combat the echos of someone insisting that you can’t.  Never have your ears heard a single unkind word.  All you have ever known is me cocooning you between my shoulder and chest as I promised to always love you.  In the quiet of our hospital room, in our bed, it was the Lord’s prayer that I whispered into your ear as he called you home.  How beautiful of an existence is that? 

You had heaven right here on earth.  

You were my heaven right here on earth.

Your sweet face will forever live in my mind’s eye.  My soul will always be connected to yours. Until we see each other again, may in the arms of the Lord you always stay.

Happy birthday baby girl.

Photo credit: / Foter / CC BY-SA

12 thoughts

  1. September 27th will be 20 years since Maleek became an angel. I share your same thoughts and feelings. We were truly blessed to bring Lindsey and Maleek into this world!!!! Hugs Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Terri,

        As I read your blog I thought, what could I possibly post to help my friend at this time. Then it came to me! “Terri, simply put your baby girl is Jaxon’s personal guardian angel and how wonderful is that:) I think of the babies I lost (due to my miscarriages) prior to my son’s birth and although I never got to feel them grow in my belly, I never got to hold them and my pain was not nearly as deep as yours, they were my babies. They were supposed to be born, raised and loved by me! However, when I finally had my son I knew that his brothers/sisters were going to look over him and that brought me some comfort. I hope it brings you some comfort in knowing that your daughter is a true angel and her brother is one lucky little fella because he has not one but two ladies looking out for him!
        xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
        Val

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks Valley! And what you said has always given me comfort–that Lindsey is watching out for Jaxon. Also, that she is at peace. I know how much you can relate to this post, and so appreciate you commenting on such a tough topic for any mother who has had to experience a loss whether in the first trimester or the last. xoxo

        Like

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